I came across a headline today – “UGC asks universities to encourage students to write “cow science” examination“. Intriguing , right?

Digging deeper, I found that this was one of the latest idiocies ‘initiatives’ by the Government of India (GOI). Cow Science (or gau vigyan) is a subject being promoted by GOI, with a certificate exam offered to anyone interested. Here are some gems from Cow Science:

  • Milk from Indian cow breeds contain traces of gold. Hmmm, so thats the secret behind Indian milk’s yellowish tint. All that gold! I don’t know why I bothered going to a jeweller. I should just keep a cow at home and milk it whenever I need a pair of earrings.
  • Walls coated with cow dung can protect against harmful gas leaks. Pity this ‘knowledge’ didn’t reach us sooner. We could have completely avoided the 1984 Bhopal Union Carbide plant gas leak disaster. Even the recent Vizag gas leak from 2020. In fact, I think this should be part of Industrial Control Systems across the world – coat your factory walls with cow dung. And get your dung from India – because they provide the most security from gas leaks.
  • Cow has the special power to absorb the sun’s energy, thanks to a “solar pulse” situated on their humps. Trying to generate electricity from solar cells mounted to home roofs – aren’t you really behind the times? Just connect the ‘solar pulse’ of a cow to a generator and use the electricity. Brilliant breakthrough in the issue of power shortages in India. Bye bye power cuts!

Our lives are set. Keep a cow at home, and we get milk, gold and electricity for life. Not to forget, we will never die from a gas leak since our homes would be protected by cow dung.

The Rashtriya Kamdhenu Ayog (RKA) or National Cow Commission – is a government body tasked with spearheading this exam and its syllabus. Yes folks, for real – an Indian government organisation set up exclusively for the welfare of cows in the country! This is a country where rapes are rampant, women are treated abominably, and over 60% of the population live in poverty. But – Cows Rule!! Cows are sacred, need an entire government body to support them, and hold exams to test aptitude in cow-science, when the GOI hasn’t even managed to reopen schools safely for humans residing in the country. But the Cow Commission has the resources to arrange an exam for 4 levels (primary, secondary, college and general public) including a mock exam on 21st Feb 2021. To make it more enticing, there is no registration fee, you get results on the spot, and here is the kicker – The exam will be conducted in a transparent and impartial manner, as it is an online exam for which there is little scope for any maneuvring or help (quoted verbatim from www.kamdhenugvppexam.org).

There is ample reference material released by RKA to aid students in ‘unlocking the potential of cow science’ – including PDFs describing around 50 varieties of indigenous cattle breeds (do note, all of these are superior by virtue of being desi breeds), lines copy-pasted from ancient texts (supporting cows, completely disregarding context and contributing to a one-sided picture), and finally the recipe for Panchgavya – a penta-ingredient concoction that, I quote directly from the material, ‘becomes a panacea for our health and wellness.’ What are the building blocks of this cure-all? Milk, Curd, Ghee, Cow urine and Cow dung. And guess what? This concoction has no side-effects whatsoever, and even if we had to – God forbid! – take some other medicine, Panchgavya will still act as a catalyst and increase the efficacy of your medicines!

Move over Doctors! Cows are here to take over your duties. The composition of cow urine and dung is detailed in the reference material. Creatinin is a waste by-product produced by our body and excreted through our urine. But, when consumed via cow urine, it becomes germicidal! Nearly everything in cow urine is germicidal – calcium, sodium, urea – and it also contains nearly every vitamin known to mankind. ‘A sip of cow urine and thou shalt be healed’ appears to be the mantra of gau-vigyan.

It is uncanny how the Cow Commission has managed to tie together literature disavowing cow slaughter, with references to Christian and Islamic texts. Apparently, Isaiah 66:3 states “He that killeth an ox is as if he slew a man;” – and this proves RKA’s stance on cows and their sanctity. It’s a shame they didn’t bother to understand the context in which this line was quoted in the Bible – that God didn’t want pointless sacrifices without changing your thoughts and deeds.

India’s DAHD (Department of Animal Husbandry and Dairy) has wisely refrained from commenting whether this exam will have any bearing on job applicants to DAHD. At present, DAHD requires a formal degree in Animal Husbandry for its officers. Maybe they are putting together the blueprint to relax Animal Husbandry degree requirements and instead incentivise a certificate course on the highly scientific cow science.

Cow Science exam will be held on Feb 25th 2021, so make sure you reserve your seat – is the recommendation imparted by the esteemed UGC to Vice-Chancellors of Universities in the country. If you weren’t aware, UGC or the University Grants Council is a government ministry charged with “coordination, determination and maintenance of standards of higher education”. So much for the future of Indian education under the aegis of such far-sighted individuals in the UGC.

The Cow Commission seems hell-bent on milking the ‘cash-cow’ for every drop; they are presently involved in making soaps and medicines from cow dung. They have also come up with a ‘fool-proof’ way to ensure Indians are not irradiated by the millions of cellphones around them. Introducing the cow-dung ‘chip’ – place it inside a mobile phone’s protective case and lo and behold, you shall be protected from cellphone radiation. “Cow dung is anti-radiation, it protects all, if you bring this home your place will become radiation-free… All this has been approved by science,” claims RKA Chairman Vallabhbhai Kathiria. Well, if he says so, it MUST be true! Why bother with scientific evidence or testing or any of that rigmarole? If it has cowdung in it, its a winner!

Looks like we get food (milk), health (cow dung and urine), wealth (gold from cow milk), power (electricity from cow’s solar pulse) and security (cow dung protection from gas leaks and radiation) from cows, all thanks to cow science. Give the Cow Commission a few more months, and we probably won’t need any doctors or pharmacies. They’ll be replaced by a cow and a cowherd in a shed. Just consult the cowherd on any ailments you may have, and he’ll prescribe the right cow fluid (or solid) for it.